caitraft:

This evening as I was lying in my bed, crying about how much I want a boyfriend, I was plagued with the really truly awful notion that the world might not revolve around me.  Obviously it was an unpleasant feeling.  I’m currently doing everything I can to rearrange the path of earth’s rotation but for some reason the scientists aren’t returning my emails. I would call them but ugh I hate calling people ugh, right? Maybe I’ll text them.  Anyway, fine. If the earth doesn’t revolve around me, it’s fine. I’ll learn to live with it.  

So if this is how it’s going to be, this whole, earth revolving around all things equally, (I’m still not exactly sure how science works, I cheated a lot in high school) then I just have one really small favor to ask.  Can you guys, just like, try to agree with me?  Like, can you guys just not disagree with me?  If I am totally in the mood to just hang out at home and drink beer on my couch, can you guys also be in the mood to do that?  Or, if I tell you I hate Jenna from accounting, can you also hate Jenna from accounting?  She’s a bitch.  There’s no reason you should like her.  When I’m trying to gossip and talk smack, please agree with me.  Don’t try to stand up for that person or look at me like I’m some sort of monster.  I already know I’m a monster.  It’s not fun.  You’re not a saint.  Just humor me, people.  

There’s nothing worse than hanging out with someone who awkwardly disagrees with you.  It halts the conversation and no one is happy.  Listen, I’ll try not to be selfish, I’ll try to agree with you too.  For example, if you really like Animal Collective I’m going to just quickly agree with you and move on from the subject.  

It will go something like this:

Me: What are you listening to?
You: Oh, Animal Collective. I’m really into their new album. 
Me: Animal Collective, I’ve never really listened to them but I hear they are great!  Anyway, I can’t believe (insert recently deceased celebrity) died!  

(Free advice: talking about a recently deceased celebrity is always a good subject changer.) 

If we’re being honest though, I hate Animal Collective.  Their music is just a series of percussive clanks.  I can’t stand it.  One time I saw them in concert and forced my date to make-out with me the entire time as a distraction from those awful, awful clanky people.  But if you like them, that’s fine.  I’m not going to ruin your day with my negative opinion.  I’m not trying to get into a debate about music.  My ipod is filled with Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (un-ironic).  I am absolutely in no place to criticize people’s taste in music, I suck at music.  Actually on that note, if you and I are hanging out, let’s avoid the topic of music entirely.  It’s too sensitive.  I was on a road trip last year and I made a really fun mix-tape full of annoying top 40 radio hits and this jackass ejects the CD after two songs and says, “Your music is shit.”  Come on, people.  Different strokes for different folks, or something.  I was just trying to have fun.  Don’t be that jackass.   I’m pretty sure he ejected my CD and put on Animal Collective.  He’s probably the worst person alive.  Fuck that guy.  

Don’t argue with me because it’s fun for you.  Arguing doesn’t make you smart.  It doesn’t make you more “real”.  Agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me isn’t lying.  It’s nice and polite.  It keeps the conversation moving and saves me from feeling self conscious about my sometimes weird taste in people, movies, music, food, and life.  When you and I are hanging out, whether it’s on a sex-date or a friend-date, I don’t want it to feel like some internet message board.  You can’t tell me what I like is wrong, and if you don’t like it, can you just keep that to yourself?  You might have other arrangements with other people, but when it comes to me, can we just pretend that whatever I’m saying is spot on?  Can you also be craving Chinese?  Can you also love Brad Pitt but hate Angelina Jolie?  Please try to have all the same opinions as me.  

If you don’t want to be my friend after reading this, it’s fine.  There are literally hundreds of movies on Netflix so I probably don’t have time for friends anyway. 

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